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rainbowkBut don't we all, really? If today and yesterday were vaguely sucky we not only throw out any good moments that occurred as not supporting our hypothesis but we forget every other day in our life and generalize to "life sucks".
Which sounds all pompous. Hi. I am and I am not having a rough time. Don't worry. I'm pretty sure that if I look at the evidence it's not really that rough it's just my usual worry about whether my friends, who frequently profess to like me *really* like me or whether they're just pretending (they probably really like me), combined with my ongoing worries that I'm probably a sucky parent, that I'm a wrong wrong bad person for not enjoying Every! Single! Moment! of time with this kid that I apparently wanted a lot, enough to endure a fair turn of social awkwardness and negotiation and worry and planning and emotional upheaval for close to two years and a pregnancy which I now realize I didn't much enjoy and a labour that was somewhat tedious and long, though not particularly eventful or dramatic, and really how much longer can this sentence go, it's gone on quite some time and should probably end.
Hi again. I think I've forgotten how to write in my blog.
So, we've moved, and it's good and weird and an adjustment. I like my new place, I like where it's located, and I'm really liking the way my various design decisions have worked out so far. I feel kind of clever some of the time. I bought excitingly high-tech and good quality appliances! I have cork flooring! I installed the dishwasher, fer the love of pete, I did *PLUMBING*. I feel like I spent money where it should have been spent and economised where I should have economised and it's all so fabulously weirdly real.
So far I like my neighbours; they all seem like pleasant down to earth people who politely stay out of each other's way. They have cats and dogs in a building with supposedly no pets (I'm glad they do as the suites are very separate so it doesn't bother my allergies and I think "no pet" rules are cruel and stupid). In the twelve suites in my building alone (and the complex has close to 120 suites) there are likely six or more languages spoken. There are older people, younger, teenagers and kids, a good mix. There are people coming and going, but quietly and unintrusively, all hours of the night. I feel comfortable here in this mix of humanity, and not alone.
But it's weird and lonely without![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
zargon and the need to once again negotiate our visitation ("date") schedule is tiring and depressing and I get far too intense about it and generalize from his desire to not see me in person for three days in a row to the theory that he probably doesn't like me very much, etc.
And I have a roommate, but she's not here very much and so I feel very alone with this kid all of a sudden, in a way I haven't had to be since he was six weeks old. And I don't feel like I'm dealing with it very well. I have this odd mental exhaustion, I just can't DEAL, whatever that means. I'm saying "No" too much, a word he finds perplexing but not particularly forbidding, and I get frustrated and I just want someone, anyone, to come over and keep me company and play with this kid of mine, so I won't feel like he's neglected and unloved. I feel harsh and undeserving and so completely out of step. Sometimes.
It's awfully hard to find that unconditional love inside of me, and I start back on worrying about my lack of affect with the kid, how much of what I do and say with him is deliberate and a conscious effort at being the person I want to be and at feeling the feelings I feel like I want to feel. When others have so much fun with him and him with them it's almost worse, of course, and it never enters my mind that others might sometimes be acting just as much as I am. I think I'm probably pretty convincing, and so might they be.
And then folks say those comforting things about how parenting a small kid is hard, and of course we all know it's harder for single parents, and yes, thank you, but that's not supposed to apply to me because of course I'm some kind of superhero, didn't you know? Yes thank you continuing unhelpful delusion that I am somehow different or better than everyone else. Not only is this insulting to everyone else, but it's utterly defeating for me as I'm, in some ways, no different and no better.
I think I need to read more books. Books always help.
But let's be clear: the kid is clearly awesome. He sat through an entire meal at a restaurant without getting out of his unrestrained ordinary adult chair. Then he did it again at the next several meals. I could sit! And talk to my friends! And feel like a normal person! And he enjoyed it and people doted on him the way they do which is good, but it wasn't so him him him all the time. Maybe we can eat out again?
His words are many and awesome, and he likes to tell stories, which he does with single words and motions and nodding approvingly at me when I put it into sentences. Like so:
"Bonk!" *rubs head*
"Did you bonk your head?"
"Head." *nods* "Chair!" *motions at the chair in question*
"You were sitting on the chair?"
*he nods emphatically and then does this bizarre mime where he waves both arms over his head and sweeps them down to one side*
"And then you fell off?"
"Bonk!" *said extremely enthusastically with exaggerated head rubbing and much nodding at my comprehension* "Chair! Bonk!" *repeats mime of falling* "Head! Bonk!"
He clearly enjoys telling the story.
And he narrates many of the parts of the day. And he's so good natured. And easy going. And he comprehends so much. And he wants so much to be one of the big people, doing what they do, getting along, doing laundry, unloading the dishwasher. And what the fuck am I complaining about?
Which sounds all pompous. Hi. I am and I am not having a rough time. Don't worry. I'm pretty sure that if I look at the evidence it's not really that rough it's just my usual worry about whether my friends, who frequently profess to like me *really* like me or whether they're just pretending (they probably really like me), combined with my ongoing worries that I'm probably a sucky parent, that I'm a wrong wrong bad person for not enjoying Every! Single! Moment! of time with this kid that I apparently wanted a lot, enough to endure a fair turn of social awkwardness and negotiation and worry and planning and emotional upheaval for close to two years and a pregnancy which I now realize I didn't much enjoy and a labour that was somewhat tedious and long, though not particularly eventful or dramatic, and really how much longer can this sentence go, it's gone on quite some time and should probably end.
Hi again. I think I've forgotten how to write in my blog.
So, we've moved, and it's good and weird and an adjustment. I like my new place, I like where it's located, and I'm really liking the way my various design decisions have worked out so far. I feel kind of clever some of the time. I bought excitingly high-tech and good quality appliances! I have cork flooring! I installed the dishwasher, fer the love of pete, I did *PLUMBING*. I feel like I spent money where it should have been spent and economised where I should have economised and it's all so fabulously weirdly real.
So far I like my neighbours; they all seem like pleasant down to earth people who politely stay out of each other's way. They have cats and dogs in a building with supposedly no pets (I'm glad they do as the suites are very separate so it doesn't bother my allergies and I think "no pet" rules are cruel and stupid). In the twelve suites in my building alone (and the complex has close to 120 suites) there are likely six or more languages spoken. There are older people, younger, teenagers and kids, a good mix. There are people coming and going, but quietly and unintrusively, all hours of the night. I feel comfortable here in this mix of humanity, and not alone.
But it's weird and lonely without
zargon and the need to once again negotiate our visitation ("date") schedule is tiring and depressing and I get far too intense about it and generalize from his desire to not see me in person for three days in a row to the theory that he probably doesn't like me very much, etc. And I have a roommate, but she's not here very much and so I feel very alone with this kid all of a sudden, in a way I haven't had to be since he was six weeks old. And I don't feel like I'm dealing with it very well. I have this odd mental exhaustion, I just can't DEAL, whatever that means. I'm saying "No" too much, a word he finds perplexing but not particularly forbidding, and I get frustrated and I just want someone, anyone, to come over and keep me company and play with this kid of mine, so I won't feel like he's neglected and unloved. I feel harsh and undeserving and so completely out of step. Sometimes.
It's awfully hard to find that unconditional love inside of me, and I start back on worrying about my lack of affect with the kid, how much of what I do and say with him is deliberate and a conscious effort at being the person I want to be and at feeling the feelings I feel like I want to feel. When others have so much fun with him and him with them it's almost worse, of course, and it never enters my mind that others might sometimes be acting just as much as I am. I think I'm probably pretty convincing, and so might they be.
And then folks say those comforting things about how parenting a small kid is hard, and of course we all know it's harder for single parents, and yes, thank you, but that's not supposed to apply to me because of course I'm some kind of superhero, didn't you know? Yes thank you continuing unhelpful delusion that I am somehow different or better than everyone else. Not only is this insulting to everyone else, but it's utterly defeating for me as I'm, in some ways, no different and no better.
I think I need to read more books. Books always help.
But let's be clear: the kid is clearly awesome. He sat through an entire meal at a restaurant without getting out of his unrestrained ordinary adult chair. Then he did it again at the next several meals. I could sit! And talk to my friends! And feel like a normal person! And he enjoyed it and people doted on him the way they do which is good, but it wasn't so him him him all the time. Maybe we can eat out again?
His words are many and awesome, and he likes to tell stories, which he does with single words and motions and nodding approvingly at me when I put it into sentences. Like so:
"Bonk!" *rubs head*
"Did you bonk your head?"
"Head." *nods* "Chair!" *motions at the chair in question*
"You were sitting on the chair?"
*he nods emphatically and then does this bizarre mime where he waves both arms over his head and sweeps them down to one side*
"And then you fell off?"
"Bonk!" *said extremely enthusastically with exaggerated head rubbing and much nodding at my comprehension* "Chair! Bonk!" *repeats mime of falling* "Head! Bonk!"
He clearly enjoys telling the story.
And he narrates many of the parts of the day. And he's so good natured. And easy going. And he comprehends so much. And he wants so much to be one of the big people, doing what they do, getting along, doing laundry, unloading the dishwasher. And what the fuck am I complaining about?
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Heya
Date: 2010-12-29 10:31 am (UTC)1 am emails......I know that I used to have to rewrite them or explain them. They were always more anxsty so am guessing yours might be for that reason too.
What end of town are you in? A suggestion: a mom from my kids' school runs a place called (I think) the Family Place....near Hastings and Sperling in N. Burnaby. Mom's gather there and it's a good place for young kids to share time together and for new moms to share time with each other.
You're a parent. You're going to fuck up. You can't provide "ideal" loving conditions whether you are single or double or triple. And oh god, wouldn't it suck for your kid if you could? How horrible to have a perfect parent (or friend) who didn't mess up and who was "perfect". He'd probably really turn into a psycho, making sure he messed up big time. :-)
Honestly, I would have been a bitchy parent if I'd stayed at home full time with my kids. They have known conditional (yes, I said conditional) love and they've got it somewhat figured out and they know when they go out in the world that some folks operate like that and I see there have been some good lessons learned from their family messes.
Di posted a cool youtube from ted.com about how we are on average less happy with children and getting unhappier until they move out. However, it also shows that the "average" is not indicative of the reality...which is that we have higher highs and lower lows. Great emotional variance (turbulence?) to be expected as we parent. not sure that this is comforting.....but it felt better for me.